What Rest Is - Or Isn’t
When I was a kid, my parents would never let me rest.
If you were to talk to my mom, she’d tell you that I was never a good sleeper. If it was light out, I was awake.
Which is kind of true, but also not.
I know that I’m not alone when I express that rest is not something I’ve typically been good at. And that’s okay!
What’s not okay is forcing our bodies to power through when we need to take a break.
Kids Need Rest, Too
While I was growing up, if an adult was doing something around the house, the child was expected to offer to help and then proceed to do it.
It was really rare that we were allowed to just be in a non-active state, whether that be reading, watching tv, laying in the grass, you name it.
If my parents were around, I couldn’t just be. I couldn’t just exist.
This caused me to develop certain habits..
I would always be late getting home because I didn’t want to be there.
I would do things to get me grounded and sent to my room so that no one would bother me.
These were my survival strategies so that I could achieve some rest as a child.
I’m not saying that kids shouldn’t be expected to help out, but they need down time too.
Re-Activating the Trauma
Fast forward to adulthood; there was a time when my mother moved in to help me look after my kids. For those 4 years or so, I was only sleeping 2-3 hours a night because I was going to college and working three jobs.
My mom would get mad at me because I wasn’t ever home, and that made me want to be there even less. I would disappear for days and everything felt like it was just go, go, go.
I remember my professor once said that you can’t learn if your basic needs aren’t being met.
I had a classmate that was going through a really tough time and I remember thinking how similar we were, but in different ways.
She couldn’t learn because she was going through a tough situation. I had to learn because I needed to change my situation.
Pushing through made me exhausted. At one point, I thought I had developed narcolepsy because I was falling asleep anywhere and everywhere. I needed more rest in my routine.
Our Bodies Know Better
Whether our conscious mind is aware or not, our bodies know when they need rest. For some of us, our bodies might quite literally rebel, making or keeping us sick and forcing us to slow down.
My body holds a lot of trauma. For most of my life, my rest was constantly disturbed by abuse, and it became something scary - something that wasn’t for me. It came at a cost that was too heavy to bear.
My body remembers the fear of waiting for the next attack if I allowed myself a moment of peace. And while it’s slowly getting easier, I still struggle with that today.
Rest and Fatphobia
My ideas of rest definitely bring out the fatphobia I’ve experienced throughout my life.
I don’t want to be perceived as lazy. Because growing up, a frequent insult thrown around my home was being called the fat lazy person.
My body may not look athletic, but it is strong. I have stamina. My body allows me to walk and bike and paint and sing and dance. My body also needs a lot of rest and that does not make me lazy.
Sometimes, it feels like I’m spoiling myself by eating, resting, and focusing on self-care, but truly, there shouldn’t be any prerequisites for that. I don’t need to do anything to deserve those peaceful moments.
Being made to feel shame over not being productive 100% of the time is harmful. And this impact can’t be corrected without acknowledgement, grace and love.
The Capacity for Creation
I have always been a maker. I always had an active body and imagination, which resulted in me becoming a storyteller at a young age. You know what a creative mind needs?
Rest.
It takes me longer to settle down and relax because of the PTSD. One of the hardest symptoms to cope with is hypervigilance, and that comes with armoring. Armoring is like holding your breath to a very limited, shallow response, and holding tension in every muscle you can. Resting means long deep breaths and allowing that tension to abate. It takes me 3 days of doing nothing and having no triggers to fully relax. That's when resting starts!
I based my recent show on the restful views in our beautiful home, here in the Columbia Basin. Several seats are depicted, alongside the restful walks where you will find them. Enchanting gardens at night, lit up to push crowded shadows to the edges. A bit of theatre to tease your senses with drama and a splash of mystery.
Rest is a major part of our lives and is important to recovery, general health, and well being. Saying these things and acknowledging their truthfulness, doesn't make rest easier to achieve.
Different Types of Rest
Someone once told me that rest can be anything that YOU find restful.
Now, I’m working with a really clever healer, and I’m on the hunt for more restful things that aren’t just sleep. I’ll share them as I discover them! For now, I want to focus on making walking and biking a part of my rest routine.
I’m learning that if I allow myself to have quality rest, my art is better.
My heart is better.
My life is better.
Everything fits in better.
Rest gives me the capacity to feel joy throughout the process, and that’s really what it’s all about.
I want to be able to experience a full range of emotions without getting lost in them. Rest helps me achieve that and keeps me from dwelling.
