What Happens at the End?

The end of a painting, story, chapter, life…

What happens at the end when it’s all said and done? When all of the art has been made?

My goal is to make art all the way up until the end. I imagine we’ll find a way for me to continue, no matter how sick I get. I don’t know what I’d do otherwise.

But the end?

Endings can be Beautiful…

I’m a completionist and I firmly believe that when we end, it means we get to start again.

Endings are often given a bad reputation. Most people want things to go on and on forever, but that’s just not how it works. Things are constantly changing, evolving, ending and beginning again. 

Me, personally? I love the end of movies, books - even the end of relationships. I love wrapping everything up in a nice little package and tying the bow.

“I finished it.”

We all devolve into chaos eventually, anyway. I love that descent. It’s visceral, and there’s something about it that just gets me.

“Okay, that was fun. It’s over. What now?”

I’m always looking for the next adventure.

What About the End End?

I don’t think there’s anyone alive who doesn’t think about what happens when we die. And I don’t think there’s anyone who has lived who didn’t think about their own ending.

It's really common for someone who has been traumatized and/or who lives in constant, extreme pain to visualize their death as a way to escape. 

My own attempts were all marked with a certainty that the pain will not stop, and that there's no help for me. It’s the deepest despair I've known. Uncontrollable, unbearable pain, no matter the source, has the ability to trigger this.

For the last six years, I’ve had the option to access Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID). Six years ago, I obsessed over my death. I was taking 45 pills a day and I still felt like garbage. My pain levels exceeded my meds regularly and my asthma had me in the ER multiple times a year. 

My life was an endless drill of doctors and hospitals and treatments. I was keenly aware that I was swiftly approaching the limit where I would not be strong enough to end my life.

Just having the option of MAID gave me more life. This is an incredible story of access changing lives.

Lately, for the first time in my life, I find myself actively wanting to live, and I’m hoping for another ten years! I don’t feel like life is trying to kill me right now. No one is coming for me either, and that’s huge.

This kind of ending is exactly the one I want and that makes me super happy.