Uncovering Bias

I’m calling myself out here.

I have been and still at times can be transphobic. I am constantly examining my biases and making adjustments so that I can be a better citizen of the world, and more inclusive of the people in it.

This blog post is an apology and also an admission that I am imperfect.

We all Mess Up

When I say that I have been and still can be transphobic, it usually looks like not respecting pronouns, either because I’ve forgotten, or I didn’t take enough time to make sure those pronouns were solid in my mind. 

I’ve made the mistake of aggressively throwing their pronouns at them after I’ve messed up.

It sucks and it’s hard. As someone who is trans, I myself have to correct people when they mess up my pronouns. Since I use any/none pronouns, this is pretty hard to do. But sometimes folks will default to certain pronouns, and that’s not necessarily appropriate for me.

Reflecting on my formative years has shed a lot of light on how I move through the world and interact with people.

Awareness of Our Upbringing

Many of my biases come from my childhood. My parents were not open or accepting towards anyone who was different or unusual. 

There was a lot of homophobia and transphobia in my household that was masked as toxic masculinity or femininity.

I was taught to be biased towards anyone who wasn’t focused on centering whiteness, catholicism or christianity, or capitalism and progress. My parents instilled bias towards fat people, folks with tattoos, queer folks, those with mental illness or mental or physical disabilities. 

Basically, anyone who didn’t fall into the small criteria of what my family would accept was considered different and they were met with scorn and patronizing comments.

My parents were conforming to the projection of white supremacy. They are victims of the patriarchy and a product of the education they received in the 50’s and 60’s. They experienced oppression of themselves in public, which led to them being very performative. I have empathy for them, but they were also well read, and they chose to move through the world in this way.

Anytime someone was different, they would be nice to them out in the open, and then completely disrespect them in private. This two-faced behavior is one of the cycles I've fought to break.

And “queer” is a word I never wanted to call myself because my parents hated anything and everything queer. Reagan was president at the time, and AIDS was killing all the queer folks. I'm certain they knew I was queer. 

So were they attempting to alter my sexuality? They taught me that people like me should be feared, hated, and held apart.

This came in the form of jokes, bashing, and comparisons. It was a toxic environment to grow up in. And I’m really proud of myself for growing up. It’s hard work to take all of those negative impactful things that happened and say “No, this stops with me.”

And then actually stopping it.

How to Do Better

The point is that when you realize that you have been transphobic, insensitive, exclusionary, or harmful, you really need to take time to reflect and then genuinely apologize. After that, make the commitment to do better and follow through on it.

“Shit, that was awful of me. I’m sorry, and I’m going to do better.”

When I discover that I have a certain bias, I think it’s important that I continue to learn and grow.

It’s okay to make a mistake. I’ve made them and still do. What’s not okay is to make it about the other person.

Everybody has biases, so I take the time and reflect to be mindful of mind. And if I hurt someone, I’m genuine in my apology, and I make the commitment to do better.