Accepting Lack of Control
I am a control freak.
Being disabled means that things I would normally be able to manage easily, I have either no or very little control over.
It Affects Everything
Getting ready for my tour has meant spending a lot of time worrying about things that I cannot control.
It’s a nightmare being a control freak.
I have to have everything lining up, and when I can’t control my environment, it really triggers my mental illness in several ways. I might be wound up with anxiety, bedridden with depression, or running myself ragged with mania.
Mania makes me feel all-powerful, like I’m capable of anything. Even laying face down in the gutter, I know everything and I’m destined for success. I’ll have really big plans and major inspirational visions that I want to create.
This would manifest as toxic positivity, excessive working, exercising, and cleaning. I’d struggle with insomnia, and it would affect my finances, too. Mania tells me I can do it, and I can do it right now.
That’s not the reality, but mental illness is not based in reality. The worst part is the depression that follows. That crash is deadly, and I have to rely on my routine and my doctors to cope. Talking about it helps too, otherwise I end up lost in my mind.
Balancing the Feels
Mental illness is in our experiences, our thoughts, and our brain chemistry. We can’t change the chemicals in our brains without medicating, and I have not been medicated for just over four years. I went through a lot of trial and error, only for whatever I was trying to eventually stop working. I talk more about that journey in this blog.
Realizing my lack of control can feel terrifying, unmotivating, and that I’m losing my autonomy. It can also be a relief, euphoric, or joyful to accept that I simply can’t have my fingers on the pulse of every little thing happening in my life.
There can be multiple truths at once, and we might experience feelings on opposite ends of the spectrum from day to day.
The biggest thing is self awareness and knowing how to care for yourself when challenges arise. Journaling, self-care, microdosing, therapy, and regularly checking in with my doctor, psychologist, and psychiatrist are helpful for me. I also rely on my partner as someone I can trust to be forthright with me. This trust keeps me grounded. Connections to community keep me grounded.
I give myself grace, take control over what I can, and ask for support when I need it.
