Managing Self-Image
I’ve been putting myself out there a lot more.
My body is visible in many of my photos and videos, and I’ve been posting more selfies.
As someone who is non-binary and 49 years old, I don’t feel like I fit into any beauty standards, traditional or otherwise.
At the same time, my disabilities don’t allow me to dye my hair, wear makeup, change my diet or do anything that makes me sweat or breathe heavily.
No Deviations
My everyday diet is so strict that it’s a risk to deviate from it. My joints can swell up, making it impossible to move my hands or feet. And that's the least of the reactions...
I live with bowel disease, and many foods cause adverse reactions, like debilitating cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, etc.. This can lead to extreme dehydration and a dangerous drop in blood sugar. I'm not diabetic, and if I was, I'd be the kind that has to eat sugar, not the kind that needs to avoid sugar.
Because my digestive system struggles, that means my mental health does too. There are a ton of neurotransmitters that connect your gut to your nervous system, and poor digestion can be linked to mental illness.
And then there's migraines. I have 4 trigger foods that bring on migraines fast.
I had a friend visit recently and we bought some potato chips to snack on. I only ate a few, and I didn’t feel any guilt or shame about it, but I paid for it for 3 days.
I have to be very intentional about what I’m feeding my body, otherwise I might be stuck in the bathroom for days, my skin can break out with cracks and peeling splits, my joints will inflame and feel like they’re full of sand. I get severe migraines, my mental health will suffer, or I’ll end up in debilitating pain.
When I get migraines, they’ll last for days. They’re triggered by food or sunshine. While I love feeling the sun soak into my skin, if I get any exposure, I can end up with any number of symptoms.
My hair will fall out, I’ll develop rashes, I won't be able to move my limbs, or I’ll have a hard time breathing.
Even on snowy or cloudy days, if I don’t cover up while walking to and from my studio, the light exposure can trigger a flare.
The Cost of Sensitivity
It’s expensive to live like this.
A lot of the foods I can eat are not always widely available. In the city it’s different, but further out of town it’s a challenge.
If I’m eating food that’s going to hurt me, it deeply affects my self-image and my self-love. Imagine trying to love your body through all these drastic reactions? Loving myself even when I'm sick and my body is freaking out is challenging.
I eat a lot of vegetables - avoiding nightshades and alliums - and try to get enough protein from beef, eggs, sheep and goat yogurt, and the dark meat from chicken. I also eat a lot of rice.
On the flipside, I have to stay away from legumes, sugar alcohols, artificial sweeteners, corn, certain meats, and even chewing gum - how crazy is that?
Grocery shopping has become an uninspiring chore. Almost anything in a package is off-limits, no matter if it’s labeled as dairy, gluten, or allergen free.
Do You See Me?
I’ve been doing a lot of work to be more comfortable seeing myself, and allowing myself to be seen.
It’s scary to put yourself out there, but it’s rewarding and validating. Everyone deserves to be seen exactly as they are.
