Deep Self-Love and Understanding

This is something I’ve been working on. It’s new and quite beautiful.

I find myself looking at myself and thinking “I love you.” And it’s pretty fucking great to feel that way.

There’s also a measure of sadness because I don’t get to share who I am with others and get feedback from them in person - aside from my partner, who I live with. I put myself out there online often, but it’s not quite the same. My life is lonely.

Surviving is Hard

I put a lot of work into simply moving through the day without pain and misery. My health and accessibility needs have cost me more than my annual income last year.It’s a heavy burden on myself and my partner, and it’s really isolating.

A private work insurance company that was provided through my last employer has been reviewing my case for disability benefits. I’m coming up on 9 years and there's a clause in the policy that changes at the ten year mark. The definition shifts from being able to do your own job, into being able to do any job.

This was something I’ve been dreading, but also feeling hopeful about because they will set me up with an occupational therapist that will try to help me figure out how to get back to work.

And while I would love to work any job, whenever I’m set up for these meetings, I’m met with disappointment. My disability limits what I can do and makes me completely unreliable. It feels like failure. Unworthiness.

It’s hard to love me and my body in those moments.

How can I be scheduled when I’m not able to be consistent?

Who will employ a person who needs accommodations and then can't show up on time - or at all? 

Who will employ someone that could be completely bedridden for weeks and sometimes months?

Not only that, but the idea of going back to work in a setting that involves other people is scary.

Even if the place of work was a 100% scent-free environment, lunch time would pose enough challenges to be stressful. I can’t put my food in the fridge or use communal utensils. Any trace of contamination from allergens is a major risk.

Sure, people recognize that peanut allergies are a big deal, but other allergens that are just as detrimental aren’t even considered.

My body requires so much labour from me that I can’t actually be in spaces with other people.

It’s scary out there. The impacts are too large and I’m already sick enough.

There’s a lot of stuff going down in my life, and there are many reasons why I could hate myself and want to hide.

And I don't. I don't hate myself for being too sick or too sensitive. I’m done with feeling any sort of shame around the way I’m made.

With time, intention, and effort, I really love myself and who I am.

I'm supposed to be sensitive, and feel. It makes me more, not less. And within all of these complexities, I must choose love. I’m not ready to give up. I won’t give into despair.